Tune in for the Fry Babies

Since it's nearing the end of 2007 (where the hell DOES the time fly to?) I feel it’s fitting to reflect on the year with some awards. Heck, everybody else does it. Whoopi and Hugh Jackman are booked so I’m presenting my awards myself. I promise to change t-shirts at least three times. The awards, in keeping with my literary theme, are the Fry Babies, for the things that got me frying in 2007.

Hope you don’t mind, but I’ve cut the tacky opening production number (which had the cast of Hairspray singing and dancing “Come Fry with Me,”) so we can get right down to business.

The envelopes, please:

The Best Tap Dance Award goes to Senator Larry Craig of Idaho, for his airport bathroom production number, playing footsie with a cop and proving, once again, that the most rabid anti-gay legislators are often found cowering in the closet but having sex in public. And Larry, you got additional points for suggesting that your foot wandered into the next stall so you could retrieve a fallen piece of toilet paper. That’s just disgusting. Go wash your hands and wash your mouth out while you are at it. I don’t know where it’s been, but I can imagine.

Similarly, the Do As I Say, Not as I Do Award goes to the dishonorable GOP Senator David Vitter for admitting he patronized DC area prostitutes as well as working girls in his home district down South. As another legislator who regularly rants against gay marriage, methinks he’s the one who is single-handedly (who knows, he may have used two hands) defiling the sanctity of marriage.

The J. Edgar Hoover Red Dress Award goes to Presidential Candidate Rudy Giuliani who has disavowed all support for his gay friends and their equal rights. I guess he’s forgotten just how many unattractive photos of himself in drag have been printed in New York newspapers over the years. Now I’m not intimating that Rudy is, in any way, gay. Only a straight man could enrage two ex-wives with his serial divorce antics. (Oh, wait, I’m forgetting about New Jersey’s ex-Governor McGreevy…) Well, Rudy ain’t gay. But he sure loves to play dress up.

The Three Ring Circus Award for Homeland Security to Ft. Lauderdale Airport staff for cleariing a man through security and onto an airplane with a monkey smuggled under his hat. The flight attendant discovered the Marmaset sitting on the back of a seat when she came through to offer it a complementary beverage.The security folks must have been busy looking for Republicans tap dancing in the bathrooms.The Things Go Better with Coke Award to Lindsay Lohan, representing all the starlets who are trashing their reputations and blowing through their careers (no pun intended) when other deserving actors who would value their reputations don’t get a shot. Just because she starred in Herbie Fully Loaded doesn’t mean she has to walk around that way. The woman actually entered rehab as a PR stunt. Didn’t she get the Anna Nicole memo?

The It Would Be Funny if It Didn’t Hurt So Much Award goes to President Bush and the Culture of Corruptions (great name for a boy band). They block kids health care, help the insurance lobby provide us with crappy private coverage, then decry the evils of Socialized Medicine- all while enjoying free, government-provided doctors appointments and trips to the government pharmacy for free Viagra. (see first two awards). If that’s not a well-functioning system of socialized medicine I’m the uncle of that monkey who boarded the plane in Florida.

The New Orleans Gumbo Dumbo Award to FEMA for staging a fake news conference about the California fires and asking fluffball questions like “Is FEMA doing a heckuva job here or what!?” Their own staff asked glowing questions and gave glowing answers in a post-apocalyptic FEMA attempt at looking competent in an emergency. We want Brownie back…..

And finally, the Give Me a Reason it’s not Treason Award (also known as the Go Take a Leak Award) goes to Lewis "Scooter" Libby, former chief of staff to Vice President Cheney, found guilty of obstruction of justice and perjury for outing CIA agent Valerie Plame. All smarmy obfuscation tactics aside, Mr. Libby, as fall-guy for Rove, Cheney etal actually aided and abeted the enemy by outing Plame, and puttiing other operatives lives in danger. For Homeland Security? No…Politics, for frying outloud! Why aren't they all in jail?

We’re out of time folks, so we won’t do our finale – Marie Osmond singing Fry Me to the Moon. See you right here next year.