Happy/Sad...

It's a weird day, kids.

On one hand, I just received a lovely review for Fried & True from the online GLBT literary newsletter Just About Write.

On the other hand, a dear friend of mine passed away last night (expected, but still a kick in the gut) and I'm very, very sad.

It just reinforces my WORK HARD/PLAY HARD philosophy and is one more reason why I'm happy we just up and moved to the beach!

Here's my latest babbling for LETTERS...
I should live so long….

So, how do you feel today? I felt pretty good until I got my hands on some advice to extend my life.
Let me put forth a disclaimer here: I believe in traditional Western medicine, but I am also open to, although I haven’t experienced much, of what folks call alternative therapies. From trigger point massage to acupuncture, natural remedies to yoga, I believe there are some great ideas and great practitioners around. And I mean absolutely no offense with the following.,..but….

Auuughhhhh!!!!!! I have just had the living poop scared out of me by a magazine purported to represent life extending alternative medicine therapies, regimens, drugs, machines and pills the size of bagels.

I sit down to warn you about this stuff just after I tried to swallow something that promised to extend my life. By the time I got finished choking the thing down, chasing it with water, then tomato juice, then a slice of cheesecake (it was the only edible in the fridge), I’d used up twenty minutes of my life and clotted my arteries sufficiently to take two months off my existence at the other end.

This all started when I picked up a magazine we will call Live Longer Than Most People. That’s not the name, but I don’t want litigation. Purportedly, this magazine features alternative meds and natural remedies to fix everything you can possibly die from, now or in the future.

In ten minutes I learned that I have to improve the endothelial function in my arteries, better absorb Bio CoQ10 for anti-aging, take Mitochondrial Energy Optimizer, eat pomegranate supplements, use Theanine to calm my nerves, avoid the wrong form of Vitamin E (of course, I’m taking that one) , swallow more butter extract, and keep from microwaving myself with my TV or cell phone. And I was just on page 32 of 94, not including the Buyers Club pages in the back.

The thing is, each article makes sure you know what kind of unhealthy pharmaceutical company drug is bad for you and tells you exactly which of their house brands of natural remedies MUST take its place or you are toast. The hell with Valium, Lipitor and soap & water. You have to use Reversatrol, Sesame Lignans and Olive Fruit Extract. I already get plenty of olive fruit extract from martinis.

If you take even a small portion of their advice, you’d be in the bathroom every morning swallowing pills until lunchtime. I could live twice as long but spend months at a time gulping down handfuls of anti-mutagenic pills the size of major league baseballs. If I have to live like this I want my life to be shorter than most people.

Then there was the cautionary article “Single Fast Food Meal Increases Blood Pressure.” It should have been followed by “Single reading of this magazine monumentally increases blood pressure.”

And how ‘bout those new machines you need. Blood testers, capsule filler machines, Dr. Fung’s Tongue cleaners (ick), pill grinders, and a Gauss Meter to detect radiation from my phone, photocopier and (omigod) my computer. Hell, I should be dead by now.

Did you know that premature labor is associated with gum disease? At least I don’t have to worry about that. Of course, I could get a whole bunch of other ugly maladies if I don’t use LiveLongerThanMostPeople Toothpaste.

The magazine recommends several diets as well, with the hallmark of all of them starving yourself to death. Try the Ultra Low Calorie Diet – basically, not eating. My idea of ultra low calorie is pizza without pepperoni. The UltraSimple Diet advocates getting rid of extra body fluid. I get rid of extra body fluid every time I guzzle Yingling Lagers.

By the time I got to the back of the book I discovered that readers are invited on a special Live Longer Than Most People Cruise. Along with a trip to the tropics, there will be anti-aging lectures, Live Longer Than Most People gift baskets, and “insider secrets to significantly extend your life span.” Wow, imagine the midnight buffet, with all-you-can-swallow capsules, bark roots and Pomegranate Oils. Nightly in the lounge, Miracle Cures trivia! Excursions to Island medicine men!

There’s even a Live Longer Than Most People Credit Card (bet there’s no extra long payment terms) with Merchandise Rewards. Don’t ask. But on just about every page in this magazine there’s a question.
LLTMP Magazine: Are you overdosing on Lipitor?
FJ: In their view, yes.
LLTMP Can you manage stress without drugs?
FJ: Probably not.
LLTMP: Are you swimming in radiation emissions?
FJ: Absolutely.

I can’t decide if I should go to the emergency room or suck down some olive fruit extract. Instead, I’m going to finish the rest of the cheesecake and get my butter extract.